one of those rare moments where being an INFJ really, really bites.

i think the greatest toll on any INFJ is what happens when they fall in love. and i think for any INFJ, falling in love and falling out of love may deliver the same kind of destruction.

call me strange, but if you find an INFJ and actually ask them what happens when they fall in love, you'll be amazed to discover that the struggle is indeed very, very real--and it's not a matter worth laughing at either. sometimes falling in love makes me feel terribly lonely; it's just never easy for me to talk about it. i guess in this case, what makes everything turn against me in this cyclical chain of things is the fact that this love i have found its way to someone whose surface traits are by no means in sync with mine.

he's far too old, and far too sharp with his words and far too abrasive in his thinking and far too distant in moral philosophies and principles for me to even consider liking.

but unfortunately, he's an INFJ too.

and considering how rare it is for two INFJs to cross paths, i cannot dub this possibility as safe by any means. no means at all. even with all the love that may come round, or the "could be"s and "maybe"s that would come my way.

it's just not going to happen.

vows.

another one for the books! and another item to check off the V for Vacation list, just as well!

last night was the wedding of our gorgeous friends, Ken and Mau--who tied the knot roughly three years after even meeting one another. isn't that pleasantly strange? wonderful romances and stories thought to have been found in books coming true in such a short amount of time--all because of divine planning.

i've discovered in recent years that true love cannot be stopped--or slowed down. i guess when two people are really made for each other, things somehow escalate so quickly and everything suddenly falls into place.

and i guess in this realization, i've somehow been both nervous and excited for that one person with whom everything will fall into place. i have no idea what his name is, what he looks like, where he goes to school, what his tastes are, what music he listens to--all i know is, if he's meant for me, he'd be wise, brave, humble, and most of all, a true disciple.

of all the disciple couples i've ever known who've gone through the entire marriage counseling process, i've witnessed Ken and Mau's the longest and the most thoroughly. perhaps to shed better light on this dramatis personae:

• Ken, the American chiropractor from St. Louis, Missouri, transferred to the Philippines in following the path of his career. his discipleship led him to attend Sunday services in the Quezon City sector of the Metro Manila Christian Church, where he eventually met...

• Mau, our Filipina female protagonist who for quite a while remained in the Singles' Ministry, as thus far no brother had asked her for her hand in marriage. however upon meeting Ken, she discovered that perhaps the man God chose for her was not one among those she could see in this present world--but one from far, far away.

Ken and Mau would often visit our house on several occasions to receive counseling from my parents. every night with them would be a special night, as dad and i would make mushroom soup and chicken would be baked, along with many different fantastical dishes for dinner. what i always loved best in those evenings were Ken's stories of St. Louis--such as the origin of that "Meet Me In St. Louis, Louis" ditty, the sights of St. Louis during certain seasons, and many other funny endeavors.

and as Ken would talk about how he'd love to take Mau to several different places in St. Louis and how he couldn't imagine going off to these places any longer without her, i started to think, "i wonder... will anyone ever become so truly in love with me that he would think this way too? to trust me to be with him wherever he goes? to think with detail and precision each way he would go to encourage me or to prove his love for me? goodness. does he even exist?"

i guess that's the one question that remains in my mind every time i think about the One. does he even exist?

but yesterday, after Ken & Mau's wedding... some strange wind of inspiration and gladness swept me off my one-inch heels and made me somehow believe, "yeah... i think he does."

i started to think also: what were the chances that Ken and Mau would ever meet without God? what if Ken wasn't a disciple and stayed in the US to become filthy rich while Mau would be left alone here in the Philippines? what if Ken remained married to his previous spouse, whom he would fight with everyday, and eventually relocated here to see Mau, and think "man... i missed out big time." what if Mau never became a disciple and remained hurt by the anger that filled her home while growing up, never to know true love from a sensitive, gentle man? what if Mau remained single for the rest of her life, and was slowly feeling bitter each day, waiting for someone who would never come?

all these "what if"s that could have so easily become true, but never did. and all because of God.

finally understanding this flushed out of me a very hopeful prayer last night: to meet the One who would reach the stars. i don't know what he looks like, what he will do, what he's doing now, where he is, how old he is, what his name is, what he likes, what he sings in the shower or watches on TV or reads or where he goes.

but he would be the one to reach for the stars--and be just like the stars are.

i've realized somehow that stars are very much like disciples. they shine at their brightest light because of the God that made them, and even being perfectly still, God creates beautiful pictures and images out of them. God allows them to light up that cape of blackness called space, and uses them to give hope to the faint at heart.

i think of all creation, stars show God's glory in the most excellent ways--and it makes me glad to discover how they do so brilliantly.

and i hope to find someone exactly like that--someone just like the stars. really, it's not impossible. Mau found her star. Ken found his. and with patience, i'll find mine eventually.

vision.

i've always dreamt of ending up with somebody. especially after becoming a disciple, i've wished more than ever for someone who would prove me wrong for every time i've said, "i'll never end up with anybody."

for my first spiritual birthday, Ate Rhea gave me a small pink notebook--all blank pages, smaller than a regular pocketbook, perfect paper. i felt it too precious and too wonderful to go to waste by merely doodling anything in it, so i decided to use it to write my prayers for my future husband as well as my letters to him.

i've been at it for months now (ever since December, really), and in all honesty it does me so much good to write in it. i put quotes from Hamlet and Cyrano de Bergerac in there and song lyrics i absolutely love (like Here, There and Everywhere) meant for him, whoever he must be.

i get excited at the thought that someone truly deserving of this notebook will one day receive it. it will be his reward and his proof of my love for him, whoever he must be. and though i can't see him in this present world, i fall in love with him more and more as i write for him. i will love him forever.