vows.

another one for the books! and another item to check off the V for Vacation list, just as well!

last night was the wedding of our gorgeous friends, Ken and Mau--who tied the knot roughly three years after even meeting one another. isn't that pleasantly strange? wonderful romances and stories thought to have been found in books coming true in such a short amount of time--all because of divine planning.

i've discovered in recent years that true love cannot be stopped--or slowed down. i guess when two people are really made for each other, things somehow escalate so quickly and everything suddenly falls into place.

and i guess in this realization, i've somehow been both nervous and excited for that one person with whom everything will fall into place. i have no idea what his name is, what he looks like, where he goes to school, what his tastes are, what music he listens to--all i know is, if he's meant for me, he'd be wise, brave, humble, and most of all, a true disciple.

of all the disciple couples i've ever known who've gone through the entire marriage counseling process, i've witnessed Ken and Mau's the longest and the most thoroughly. perhaps to shed better light on this dramatis personae:

• Ken, the American chiropractor from St. Louis, Missouri, transferred to the Philippines in following the path of his career. his discipleship led him to attend Sunday services in the Quezon City sector of the Metro Manila Christian Church, where he eventually met...

• Mau, our Filipina female protagonist who for quite a while remained in the Singles' Ministry, as thus far no brother had asked her for her hand in marriage. however upon meeting Ken, she discovered that perhaps the man God chose for her was not one among those she could see in this present world--but one from far, far away.

Ken and Mau would often visit our house on several occasions to receive counseling from my parents. every night with them would be a special night, as dad and i would make mushroom soup and chicken would be baked, along with many different fantastical dishes for dinner. what i always loved best in those evenings were Ken's stories of St. Louis--such as the origin of that "Meet Me In St. Louis, Louis" ditty, the sights of St. Louis during certain seasons, and many other funny endeavors.

and as Ken would talk about how he'd love to take Mau to several different places in St. Louis and how he couldn't imagine going off to these places any longer without her, i started to think, "i wonder... will anyone ever become so truly in love with me that he would think this way too? to trust me to be with him wherever he goes? to think with detail and precision each way he would go to encourage me or to prove his love for me? goodness. does he even exist?"

i guess that's the one question that remains in my mind every time i think about the One. does he even exist?

but yesterday, after Ken & Mau's wedding... some strange wind of inspiration and gladness swept me off my one-inch heels and made me somehow believe, "yeah... i think he does."

i started to think also: what were the chances that Ken and Mau would ever meet without God? what if Ken wasn't a disciple and stayed in the US to become filthy rich while Mau would be left alone here in the Philippines? what if Ken remained married to his previous spouse, whom he would fight with everyday, and eventually relocated here to see Mau, and think "man... i missed out big time." what if Mau never became a disciple and remained hurt by the anger that filled her home while growing up, never to know true love from a sensitive, gentle man? what if Mau remained single for the rest of her life, and was slowly feeling bitter each day, waiting for someone who would never come?

all these "what if"s that could have so easily become true, but never did. and all because of God.

finally understanding this flushed out of me a very hopeful prayer last night: to meet the One who would reach the stars. i don't know what he looks like, what he will do, what he's doing now, where he is, how old he is, what his name is, what he likes, what he sings in the shower or watches on TV or reads or where he goes.

but he would be the one to reach for the stars--and be just like the stars are.

i've realized somehow that stars are very much like disciples. they shine at their brightest light because of the God that made them, and even being perfectly still, God creates beautiful pictures and images out of them. God allows them to light up that cape of blackness called space, and uses them to give hope to the faint at heart.

i think of all creation, stars show God's glory in the most excellent ways--and it makes me glad to discover how they do so brilliantly.

and i hope to find someone exactly like that--someone just like the stars. really, it's not impossible. Mau found her star. Ken found his. and with patience, i'll find mine eventually.

valor.

i think that's my favorite word now. valor.

it has a wonderful ring to it. and it speaks for so much--for bravery, for freedom, for honor, for nobility, for everything worth standing for. and to me, it says everything and now means everything in the whole entire world. it is a treasure i have gained, as though i've searched for it without end.

today is the day my mom can be declared a survivor of Stage 4 Cancer. she's had it for three years, and for three years almost everyone i know has been praying for her, crying for her, and fasting for her. however though she is alive today instead being spoken of to die two and a half years ago, she still remains ill.

i don't think anything else has plagued my heart as deeply as the fear of losing her. every morning, though i wake from a dream, i see my mom wake to her nightmare. she sleeps in pain and rises in pain, and nothing seems to overcome it.

and so, i cry for her life. i wonder some nights what it was that i did, or that any one of us did to cause my mom this kind of pain. i wonder why God does this to us--is it even to teach us? i wonder what there even is to gain from all this when everything appears to be at a loss. i get angry at what God has been doing, and i get even angrier at myself for not doing anything. because for three years, a doctor has been by our side, more than a thousand disciples have had my mom in their hearts, and we've been given everything,

and things have only gotten worse.


but i've realized that sometimes, the creations and crafts that surround--whether in music or on paper--find ways to show that beautiful things can emerge from one's pain. reading the book of Job, Hamlet and Cyrano de Bergerac and listening to old Beatles songs helped in knowing that in both fiction and fact, suffering is what it is to everyone--trembling tears and sweeping sadness, only to be lifted away by a gracious God.

and yes, i've also realized how terrible i've been to God, angrily grumbling instead of understanding how He hurts as we do and even worse.

for if there was anything all these works have shown me, it's the desire to understand--understand life, death, sex, fame, sadness, even love. and by understanding, one can only hope to create more and dare to dream of greater things.

velocity.

today was a strangely happy day after a long lapse of rather unpleasant ones. it was the first day wherein i made lunch, baked a cake, and painted my bedroom shelves altogether and at every turn became wonderfully successful. my dad taught me how to cook Laksa soup for lunch, and our maids at home (Rose & Anne) taught me how to bake banana cakes with chocolate chips in them.

it feels incredible to do things you've been so afraid to try out before--and in my case, cooking is no exception. i've been scared to death all my life not knowing how to cook, but finally i'm getting the hang of it quite wonderfully.

i may have found my outlet to help me forget all these depressions and keep moving forward. and wonderfully so--knowing how to cook and handling cooking equipment has allowed me to make my mom's food for her meals. in the end, i feel as if i've grown up in one day. and it's fantastic.

on Sunday, my dear friend Aubrey will be sleeping over! i feel as though i've got this v for vacation checklist in perfect procession.

v for vacation!

at last! vacation with absolution has attained comeuppance! reports are over! plates are nonexistent! unwanted-interaction-with-people-i-don't-even-like has kicked the bucket! 

this is v for vacation.

28 days of it, too. after today's Philo 1 report on V for Vendetta & how its readers desire freedom (which ended with me leaping with joy down the stairs of FC and my prof full of praises), all i've got before me are 28 days of vacation with nothing school-related to do.

you know what this means, don't you?

goals! yes, goals! (not the kind made during the World Cup)

i've made a page for the things i want to achieve within these 28 days. honestly, i don't think i'll be able to get freedom like this in a while--next schoolyear will be mini-thesis year, the summer after will be my OJT (rainy summer too, mind you), and the schoolyear after will be for the main thesis. afterward, my CW dreams will hopefully come true... and after that, destiny in New York? one could dream. (a fleeting dream, however)

let's just see how, for now, all this freedom starts to roll. and you'll know every bit of it, because everyday's bound to be a new post coming from me.

"the 28-day v for vacation list"