vigil.

it's difficult for the soul to belong in a body that betrays its own mind.

it's on nights like these--nights that i'll really miss--that i just want to create and craft letters and thoughts and dreams and plays and stories, however my body desires nothing else but rest. (yet what can you do--desire is restless, as it is breathless)

i'm 19 now. and i'm glad to be alive. sleepy, but alive.

vows.

another one for the books! and another item to check off the V for Vacation list, just as well!

last night was the wedding of our gorgeous friends, Ken and Mau--who tied the knot roughly three years after even meeting one another. isn't that pleasantly strange? wonderful romances and stories thought to have been found in books coming true in such a short amount of time--all because of divine planning.

i've discovered in recent years that true love cannot be stopped--or slowed down. i guess when two people are really made for each other, things somehow escalate so quickly and everything suddenly falls into place.

and i guess in this realization, i've somehow been both nervous and excited for that one person with whom everything will fall into place. i have no idea what his name is, what he looks like, where he goes to school, what his tastes are, what music he listens to--all i know is, if he's meant for me, he'd be wise, brave, humble, and most of all, a true disciple.

of all the disciple couples i've ever known who've gone through the entire marriage counseling process, i've witnessed Ken and Mau's the longest and the most thoroughly. perhaps to shed better light on this dramatis personae:

• Ken, the American chiropractor from St. Louis, Missouri, transferred to the Philippines in following the path of his career. his discipleship led him to attend Sunday services in the Quezon City sector of the Metro Manila Christian Church, where he eventually met...

• Mau, our Filipina female protagonist who for quite a while remained in the Singles' Ministry, as thus far no brother had asked her for her hand in marriage. however upon meeting Ken, she discovered that perhaps the man God chose for her was not one among those she could see in this present world--but one from far, far away.

Ken and Mau would often visit our house on several occasions to receive counseling from my parents. every night with them would be a special night, as dad and i would make mushroom soup and chicken would be baked, along with many different fantastical dishes for dinner. what i always loved best in those evenings were Ken's stories of St. Louis--such as the origin of that "Meet Me In St. Louis, Louis" ditty, the sights of St. Louis during certain seasons, and many other funny endeavors.

and as Ken would talk about how he'd love to take Mau to several different places in St. Louis and how he couldn't imagine going off to these places any longer without her, i started to think, "i wonder... will anyone ever become so truly in love with me that he would think this way too? to trust me to be with him wherever he goes? to think with detail and precision each way he would go to encourage me or to prove his love for me? goodness. does he even exist?"

i guess that's the one question that remains in my mind every time i think about the One. does he even exist?

but yesterday, after Ken & Mau's wedding... some strange wind of inspiration and gladness swept me off my one-inch heels and made me somehow believe, "yeah... i think he does."

i started to think also: what were the chances that Ken and Mau would ever meet without God? what if Ken wasn't a disciple and stayed in the US to become filthy rich while Mau would be left alone here in the Philippines? what if Ken remained married to his previous spouse, whom he would fight with everyday, and eventually relocated here to see Mau, and think "man... i missed out big time." what if Mau never became a disciple and remained hurt by the anger that filled her home while growing up, never to know true love from a sensitive, gentle man? what if Mau remained single for the rest of her life, and was slowly feeling bitter each day, waiting for someone who would never come?

all these "what if"s that could have so easily become true, but never did. and all because of God.

finally understanding this flushed out of me a very hopeful prayer last night: to meet the One who would reach the stars. i don't know what he looks like, what he will do, what he's doing now, where he is, how old he is, what his name is, what he likes, what he sings in the shower or watches on TV or reads or where he goes.

but he would be the one to reach for the stars--and be just like the stars are.

i've realized somehow that stars are very much like disciples. they shine at their brightest light because of the God that made them, and even being perfectly still, God creates beautiful pictures and images out of them. God allows them to light up that cape of blackness called space, and uses them to give hope to the faint at heart.

i think of all creation, stars show God's glory in the most excellent ways--and it makes me glad to discover how they do so brilliantly.

and i hope to find someone exactly like that--someone just like the stars. really, it's not impossible. Mau found her star. Ken found his. and with patience, i'll find mine eventually.

valor.

i think that's my favorite word now. valor.

it has a wonderful ring to it. and it speaks for so much--for bravery, for freedom, for honor, for nobility, for everything worth standing for. and to me, it says everything and now means everything in the whole entire world. it is a treasure i have gained, as though i've searched for it without end.

today is the day my mom can be declared a survivor of Stage 4 Cancer. she's had it for three years, and for three years almost everyone i know has been praying for her, crying for her, and fasting for her. however though she is alive today instead being spoken of to die two and a half years ago, she still remains ill.

i don't think anything else has plagued my heart as deeply as the fear of losing her. every morning, though i wake from a dream, i see my mom wake to her nightmare. she sleeps in pain and rises in pain, and nothing seems to overcome it.

and so, i cry for her life. i wonder some nights what it was that i did, or that any one of us did to cause my mom this kind of pain. i wonder why God does this to us--is it even to teach us? i wonder what there even is to gain from all this when everything appears to be at a loss. i get angry at what God has been doing, and i get even angrier at myself for not doing anything. because for three years, a doctor has been by our side, more than a thousand disciples have had my mom in their hearts, and we've been given everything,

and things have only gotten worse.


but i've realized that sometimes, the creations and crafts that surround--whether in music or on paper--find ways to show that beautiful things can emerge from one's pain. reading the book of Job, Hamlet and Cyrano de Bergerac and listening to old Beatles songs helped in knowing that in both fiction and fact, suffering is what it is to everyone--trembling tears and sweeping sadness, only to be lifted away by a gracious God.

and yes, i've also realized how terrible i've been to God, angrily grumbling instead of understanding how He hurts as we do and even worse.

for if there was anything all these works have shown me, it's the desire to understand--understand life, death, sex, fame, sadness, even love. and by understanding, one can only hope to create more and dare to dream of greater things.

God is in the rain.

a windy night on Daniel Street. also, rather dark, as no moon seems to be out. then all of a sudden, the clouds crack and burst and the wind suddenly turns into water.

such are these nights... really, i've never known peace such as these nights.

i'm sitting here, in front of my laptop working on a Philosophy 1 report. reclined, listening to a thousand joyous raindrops falling from the sky. "i'm free!" they yell. "i'm free! i'm finally free!"

i like to believe God is in the rain. and i know He is. the rain heals, soothes, and cleans the earth as well as crumbles it, decimates it, crushes it. but with every rainfall, you can't help but to fall in love with the sound that the rain brings--as though it calls out to you. says it wants to speak to you.

says it loves you.

and everytime it rains, i always think it's God saying He loves me. that's why i love rainy evenings best.

freedom.

a few days ago, i realized something is terribly wrong with me.

well, i couldn't understand--everything just felt really sad. in recent days, i've been waking up feeling unreasonably sad, and i did not know why at all. most mornings, my blankets feel too heavy for me to push off, or my head feels too sunken into my pillow for me to get up. even when i know i've slept for a good six hours (at least), i still feel incredibly tired.

i find it hard to read books sometimes because i can't get past the first few words without feeling incredibly heavy inside. the other day, i was having my Quiet Time, and i came across this verse:

"In my anguish, I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free."
- Psalm 118:5, NIV 

but instead of rejoicing for this freedom, i crumbled inside instead.

and in recent years, this has been happening a lot. this is not the first time that instead of being grateful and glad that i as a disciple may celebrate this freedom, i expel tears and bitterness from a heart that feels life--a truly happy life--will never come.

what exactly am i saying?

i've found out i'm depressed.

yes, i know everyone feels depressed sometimes. it's no big deal, really. people feel sad, people cry--it's not the worst thing in the world. so what if you just don't feel happy? that can change, can't it?

well dear reader, if that's what you're thinking, then perhaps you simply don't understand.

have you ever commuted on your way to school or to work and just cried in front of strangers? have you ever went shopping or did groceries and found yourself crying as you walk past aisles and items? have you ever cried while packing up clothes, walking around your school, in bathrooms at church, while studying, while writing, while trying to even sleep, while listening to songs, after sleepovers with close friends, after spending time with churchmates, after class, going home, mornings, evenings, all because for some reason
you just can't be happy?

well that's what's wrong with me. all that stuff and even more has happened; and not just once. it feels like forever.

i'm not angry at you if you don't understand, dear reader. if anything, i'm always angry at myself. why do i do this to myself? i always ask. why do i have to be so sad and angry all the time? sometimes things just don't make sense for me anymore, really. i always felt there was something wrong with me, but i never knew it was something like this. plain and simple. complete and utter depression.

so, i've considered i need professional help for this. things like this simply cannot go on forever. and i hate feeling this way too--feeling like my heart has turned to black, that storm clouds will always fill my eyes, and that tears, like rain, will cost me the happiness i should have. especially because i'm a disciple.

in the scripture above, David says he called to God in his anguish. and God answered by setting him free.

for now, that's really all i'm waiting for. to be set free.

and while i'm on my way in doing so, the parts of my life that i'm willing to share will always be here to show
just how God is once again going to set me free.