i think that's my favorite word now. valor.
it has a wonderful ring to it. and it speaks for so much--for bravery, for freedom, for honor, for nobility, for everything worth standing for. and to me, it says everything and now means everything in the whole entire world. it is a treasure i have gained, as though i've searched for it without end.
today is the day my mom can be declared a survivor of Stage 4 Cancer. she's had it for three years, and for three years almost everyone i know has been praying for her, crying for her, and fasting for her. however though she is alive today instead being spoken of to die two and a half years ago, she still remains ill.
i don't think anything else has plagued my heart as deeply as the fear of losing her. every morning, though i wake from a dream, i see my mom wake to her nightmare. she sleeps in pain and rises in pain, and nothing seems to overcome it.
and so, i cry for her life. i wonder some nights what it was that i did, or that any one of us did to cause my mom this kind of pain. i wonder why God does this to us--is it even to teach us? i wonder what there even is to gain from all this when everything appears to be at a loss. i get angry at what God has been doing, and i get even angrier at myself for not doing anything. because for three years, a doctor has been by our side, more than a thousand disciples have had my mom in their hearts, and we've been given everything,
and things have only gotten worse.
but i've realized that sometimes, the creations and crafts that surround--whether in music or on paper--find ways to show that beautiful things can emerge from one's pain. reading the book of Job, Hamlet and Cyrano de Bergerac and listening to old Beatles songs helped in knowing that in both fiction and fact, suffering is what it is to everyone--trembling tears and sweeping sadness, only to be lifted away by a gracious God.
and yes, i've also realized how terrible i've been to God, angrily grumbling instead of understanding how He hurts as we do and even worse.
for if there was anything all these works have shown me, it's the desire to understand--understand life, death, sex, fame, sadness, even love. and by understanding, one can only hope to create more and dare to dream of greater things.
