drugstore perfume.

this song is imprinted in my brain. well, after listening to it over and over almost every single day ever since "Hesitant Alien" came out, and singing to it while waiting on jeeps or looking out windows, it would be no wonder why this song resonates so well with me.

but then again, it's more than that. this song speaks to me because i feel that this song is about me. i mean yes, it could possibly be a song about a prostitute or a club-hopper, but it says what i've always wanted to say.

that she can change for love

and she explains how long she's waited for

she wanted more

in recent days, i've come to the conclusion that yes, i am suffering from depression. but i know that depression is a mindset--not an illness. and even if it really were an illness, it can be countered--not through drugs or through straitjackets, but through love.

and that song is just with me wherever i go. i can't shut it off or shoo it away. somehow the song has said everything i've ever wanted to say, and anyone who would really want to know who i am could just listen to this song, and hopefully go, "so that's who she is."

and maybe someday, someone would say, "i get it now."

--

i'm now writing a story based off this song, and under the same name. it's about a postal worker named Dave who meets a city girl named Meg. i just started last night, and i'm already at 842 words.

also it may or may not have an atomic bomb in it.

freedom.

a few days ago, i realized something is terribly wrong with me.

well, i couldn't understand--everything just felt really sad. in recent days, i've been waking up feeling unreasonably sad, and i did not know why at all. most mornings, my blankets feel too heavy for me to push off, or my head feels too sunken into my pillow for me to get up. even when i know i've slept for a good six hours (at least), i still feel incredibly tired.

i find it hard to read books sometimes because i can't get past the first few words without feeling incredibly heavy inside. the other day, i was having my Quiet Time, and i came across this verse:

"In my anguish, I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free."
- Psalm 118:5, NIV 

but instead of rejoicing for this freedom, i crumbled inside instead.

and in recent years, this has been happening a lot. this is not the first time that instead of being grateful and glad that i as a disciple may celebrate this freedom, i expel tears and bitterness from a heart that feels life--a truly happy life--will never come.

what exactly am i saying?

i've found out i'm depressed.

yes, i know everyone feels depressed sometimes. it's no big deal, really. people feel sad, people cry--it's not the worst thing in the world. so what if you just don't feel happy? that can change, can't it?

well dear reader, if that's what you're thinking, then perhaps you simply don't understand.

have you ever commuted on your way to school or to work and just cried in front of strangers? have you ever went shopping or did groceries and found yourself crying as you walk past aisles and items? have you ever cried while packing up clothes, walking around your school, in bathrooms at church, while studying, while writing, while trying to even sleep, while listening to songs, after sleepovers with close friends, after spending time with churchmates, after class, going home, mornings, evenings, all because for some reason
you just can't be happy?

well that's what's wrong with me. all that stuff and even more has happened; and not just once. it feels like forever.

i'm not angry at you if you don't understand, dear reader. if anything, i'm always angry at myself. why do i do this to myself? i always ask. why do i have to be so sad and angry all the time? sometimes things just don't make sense for me anymore, really. i always felt there was something wrong with me, but i never knew it was something like this. plain and simple. complete and utter depression.

so, i've considered i need professional help for this. things like this simply cannot go on forever. and i hate feeling this way too--feeling like my heart has turned to black, that storm clouds will always fill my eyes, and that tears, like rain, will cost me the happiness i should have. especially because i'm a disciple.

in the scripture above, David says he called to God in his anguish. and God answered by setting him free.

for now, that's really all i'm waiting for. to be set free.

and while i'm on my way in doing so, the parts of my life that i'm willing to share will always be here to show
just how God is once again going to set me free.