one of those rare moments where being an INFJ really, really bites.

i think the greatest toll on any INFJ is what happens when they fall in love. and i think for any INFJ, falling in love and falling out of love may deliver the same kind of destruction.

call me strange, but if you find an INFJ and actually ask them what happens when they fall in love, you'll be amazed to discover that the struggle is indeed very, very real--and it's not a matter worth laughing at either. sometimes falling in love makes me feel terribly lonely; it's just never easy for me to talk about it. i guess in this case, what makes everything turn against me in this cyclical chain of things is the fact that this love i have found its way to someone whose surface traits are by no means in sync with mine.

he's far too old, and far too sharp with his words and far too abrasive in his thinking and far too distant in moral philosophies and principles for me to even consider liking.

but unfortunately, he's an INFJ too.

and considering how rare it is for two INFJs to cross paths, i cannot dub this possibility as safe by any means. no means at all. even with all the love that may come round, or the "could be"s and "maybe"s that would come my way.

it's just not going to happen.

the November pattern.

NaNoWriMo is killing me. i swear. it's already day 10 and i'm only at 8,769 words--how am i ever going to reach 50,000 with all plates, projects and exams considered?

this may or may not eventually develop into the most stressful month of my life. it's been a while since i've had so much on my plate

• decorations for Annabel & Mariann's debut
• Fashion Editorial video for VC 120
• Viral Video for VC 100
• "How To" video for VC 130
• documentary for Anthro 10
• STS group project
• STS reaction paper
• TFA exams (two left)
• STS final exam
• final plate for VC 130
• design and layout for CM Curriculum booklet
• NaNoWriMo

and i'm far from done (and in some cases begun) for any part of it.

such is life.

the more you [lots of] love someone.

i don't think i can take it anymore.

maybe this heart that refuses to beat with absolution has tried so hard to resist what it wants to say, and by so doing has hurt itself in the process. but this is a heartbreak that knows no guilt, or knows no sadness--the truth is, this is a kind of heartbreak that doesn't recognize tears as its resolution.

i say it breaks my heart because it can never happen. and this, i'm sure of. it's not meant to be. fate, the universe, and the stars simply wouldn't allow it (as if they ever did allow any kind of love to come my way, to be true). but even so, i'm finding myself soaring through alternate dimensions and travelling through spaces tight & tighter still--all because someone i love loves me. 

and even if nothing can ever happen, i'm just grateful i didn't go through a lifetime without this love that loves me. i'm not hoping for things to happen though. time will tell how this love continues to take its hold.