i wonder why things have to be this way sometimes. in a second all this could end, all that is ever dreamed of or hoped for could finally be answered. but everyday, the questions hang. the wishes fail. and i don't understand sometimes why God has to be this way--to anyone, most especially my mom.
it's another night here on the third floor where my parents sleep. on such nights when i stay here with my parents, i sleep on a rattan cot that can be inclined (kind of like a beach/poolside chair), and though i remain cozy here most nights,
most nights, the person who sleeps a mere few feet away from me wakes up in a nightmare.
it's been this way for almost three years now, for my mom. and since the day we learned she has nasopharyngeal cancer came, i feel as though my already burdened heart has grown heavier and heavier with each passing day. and it's become so grave that my insides can hardly lift the grief that overwhelms my soul.
and honestly, i'm running out of things to say when people ask me how my mom is doing. i feel like a broken record saying the same things over & over. "it's stage four now," i say. "she's only getting worse. she can't even sleep well. she can't breathe properly, or even eat. she needs to be 100 pounds by the end of the month--she's only 78 now. she can't see clearly because her eyes blur and she sees double. she can't walk. she can't talk. she can't stand up much. she can't even hear all too well. but we're still praying for her."
if there's anything in my life that has challenged my faith, it's this. times when i think about my mom being sick--times like these--make me realize how much i don't understand God at all. sometimes we feel we do, because we know all good things come from Him. when suffering comes along however, you start to stop and think,
"God, i seriously don't get You."
some nights i wish i wouldn't have to see anyone suffer or allow for myself to suffer by watching my mom suffer--and when i do, i think about how much easier it would really be for me to die rather than to live. i wouldn't want to kill myself by any means, but some nights i wish i could just sleep and never have to wake up. honestly, that's how i feel--i'd rather die than see my mom getting sicker and never getting better every single day.
i sometimes wish i knew what exactly God is thinking putting me in a life like this--where by mistake, my inexperienced heart is too vulnerable to understand anything, especially life, death, and suffering. i don't know anymore if things ever get better or they just seem like they do. i don't even want to desire anything or anyone anymore except that my mom gets well. but sometimes i feel as though even asking for that is too big of a thing to ask God.